giveusasong's Journal

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oh hail chambersburg
		07:56am 10/06/2005
	ugg When I return to my hometown I am struck with nostalgia and DREAD! CHAMBERBURG, land of terrible traffic patterns and bad roads. I am not saying that hagerstown is a mecca by any means, just that I mean for crying out loud, all of chambersburg is a one way street. My best buddy and I and clara are going up to this crazy land first we are going to see my grandma and visit pap's grave. I don't know how this will be, they just put up the marker so it will be official I guess. Then we are going to VALUE CITY, the only good reason to visit chambersburg :) So anyway. Top of the morning to you all :)
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		08:24pm 22/05/2005
	I think I haven't realized it until just now. I think I have been taking my poor husband for granted. He works so hard for our family and I have been very selfish about him spending his free time with clara and I. I think when you are alone with a toddler all day it can get pretty lonely for adult company. on the flip side he is with adults all day and so when he gets home he needs some alone time. He does everything for me. He gives me everything I need and want and he loves me like crazy. This is definitely something to think about and improve on.
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01:05pm 05/05/2005

mood: accomplished

Okay well Just a little tiny update.

Got my final grades back- 3.8 Pretty good I would say. I don't think I have EVER gotten above a 3.0 and that was like in highschool for one quarter. I feel like I have made a breakthrough finally. I CAN get good grades and I DO!! So enough bragging.

Tim bought me a soymilk maker for mothers day and I like it very much. Being vegan is fun, it is like a challenge to beat the odds of getting bored with it. There are a ton of recipes out there, I thought I would only be eating beans and rice and tofu, but There really are alot of options and I just feel so much better and responsible about my body.

Clara is amazing, she can count to ten sing itsy bitsy, and part of the abc song. I think for 16 months old this is pretty good. I am biased though, so who knows, she is probably just a normal kid.

I should write more regularly kind of kills the monotony of the day for me. I am getting bored. Summer classes don't start till wednesday.

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STUFF
		08:45am 08/02/2005
	Well deciding to write again- Pretty much for the sake of letting anyone who reads this know that they MUST and I mean MUST watch the movie Napoleon Dynamite. This has to be the funniest movie I have seen in quite awhile. It is also a comfortable movie to watch in mixed company as tehre is no bad language or explicit content. Things are going okay, pap died in december, the 21st to be exact. Sometimes things just don't sink in. I know he died but it really never occurs to me that he isn't there anymore. School is going well, taking math and sociology. Dropped 30 pounds since the summer time- 20 more to go and I will back down where I should be- ugg takes so long. clara is walking and talking and generally getting into everything Okay well I have to teach a piano lesson now later
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11:58am 08/12/2004

mood:

sad

Well it has been quite awhile since I have written. Clara will be one year old on thursday. I can't believe it. She is starting to walk and getting very verbal about her likes and dislikes.
My first semester of school is almost over. I enjoy it for the most part. Just being in school is fun. I switched my major to nursing for several reasons of which I will not entail here.
My grandfather is given only a few more days to live. This has been very difficult I know somehow we will get through it.... I don't know though how to deal with grief of this magnitude. Day by day. I am blessed to have Tim.
Well I have finals to study for

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long enough
		07:18pm 08/08/2004
	quick update-- long time since I have written lots to do I guess Wed BOB dyland concert day after tuesday BOB DYLAN CONCERT DAY BEFORE THURSDAY BOB DYLAN CONCERT did I mention I was going to a bob dylan concert?? should be cool hope it is old stuff- he has kinda sold out I like the folk early stuff that was anti political but I shouldn't have my hopes up too high more later BOB DYLAN CONCERT
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02:31pm 14/06/2004

mood:

flirty

yikes, I am really bad at writing. oh well. well four days and counting until my 23rd birthday. Yaaay happy birthday to me. I feel OLD. again oh well. Went to the mall today with Clara. Bathing suit shopping usually this is a terrible affair and I end up in tears in the end. When I met my husband I was so tiny and now after the baby I am bigger. however, this went surpisingly well and I bought a cute bathing suit and capris and stil managed to feel pretty sexy. I have been studying quite a bit. algebra. I passed the chem test I think I already wrote about that though. all in all things are going well

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		11:50am 26/05/2004
	Well I passed my chem exam. not with flying colors but with at least a good percentage above what I needed to get. Now onto math. I am a little nervous about the math but oh well. Tim worked last night(he works with alleghny power) so when ever there are severe storms he has to work. he got home about 3:30am and went back around ten this morning. I miss him. having him around makes the day easier. my twenty third birthday is quickly approaching. well less than a month away but it has been on my mind. Everything has gone so fast. well I better run before clara wakes
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07:01pm 17/05/2004

mood:

mellow

Seven o clock on the dot and Clara is sleeping. Now to study. My exams are in about two weeks. I still have yet to grasp the biochem fully but i am doing suprisingly well( and suprisingly enjoying it) with the cell function book. I mean it does pretty much spell it out but that is a good way to go I think. Tim and I were discussing moving. Decided that it is better to wait until I am out of school and maybe make a permanent move out of the Hagerstown area and relocate into the Altoona area. I feel torn about this decision. While I don't care for this area and I really don't have many connections here, my parents and sister live close. I am not extremely close to them but I would miss them much if I left. But then there is the other part of me that really really wants to shake the dust of this crummy little town off of my feet(thanks jimmy stewart) I really like change in location. I liked that in college I switched dorm rooms every semester and that I have never been in one place for more than a couple of years. I feel somewhat apprehensive about moving to altoona. All of tim's family is there and his old buddies. This is nice but, I don't make friends easily. Not close ones anyway. Tim's family although nice people are somewhat controlling. They have their hands in everybody's business. I guess if I was working I would do better at the whole social aspect though. Moving would also probably mean I would work while tim was at home. There is a shortage of openings in Altoona for engineers. But there are always hospitals. This also scares me because I wouldn't want to be the sole provider for a family. I think that is the man's role, I think a woman should work to supplement the income but shouldn't be counted on as permanent income. Especially if a mortgage was involved. I know that I am taken care of I just like to ponder these things. well better hit the books.

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04:39pm 11/05/2004

mood:

groggy

Well It has been awhile since I have written, been pretty busy studying and keeping up with everything else. I love being a mom but everything just takes about five times as long to finish with clara around. Speaking of motherhood I had a great mothersday. I think for me the purpose of this day was to use the "It is my day off" for all it was worth. See for all of you out there who don't enjoy this privelage. It is a 24 hour a day job with very little personal time. I remember the feeling realizing that I was never going to sleep a normal night again. So I had a night where Tim got up with the baby to feed her at night, and got up with her at 6:30 when she woke up. I got taken out to dinner, and a present. I got a semi nap. All of this probably will not occur in one day until my birthday. Maybe not even then. Tim also took clara for a drive and I got to be in the house all by myself for the first time since she was born. This is something I really didn't appreciate until after clara came around. I could accomplish tasks with no interruption. I missed the wilson college book sale :( which was sad. I was helping my grandfather who sold his house. Which, seeing all of my grandmothers things(she is in a home) for sale was also very sad. He was crying, I was crying. just a sad experience. I know he misses her alot they have been buddies for a long time. Seeing her unable to walk and sometimes not remember who we are is difficult to say the least for him.

Well I better run, or rather collapse before clara wakes up and wants another show.

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an Algae Bra

10:44am 04/05/2004

mood:

contemplative

Well it is funny when you haven't studied in so long how quickly you forget how draining it really can be. Especially when you are up with a five month old at 2, 4, and 7 in the morning. All you really want to do is take a nap. But I woke up this morning with an anxiousness to get to it, kinda like when you are in third grade and you have been waiting for your field trip and you wake up and realize that it is happening that same week. Just a feeling of expectation. I am a person of two extremes. Either I am so concentrated on something I don't notice anything else or I am so crazy ADHD I accomplish nothing. So far we are at the first. I have to learn that it is not slacking to take a break for awhile. In the same it is not profitable to waste my time. I told my mom about school. My mom is a very interesting person and I don't know that I will ever totally understand her. I kind of feel and I may be wrong on this that she doubts my success on anything. I think when I got married and had Clara I had already fufilled any expectations she might have had for me. She doesn't understand why if my husband ( who is an engineer) has a good job why I would want to work. So I pose the question, Shouldn't woman try to further herself even after children. I think so, I think if for nothing else than to avoid the question"what would have happened if?" Also which is not a purposeful feeling but to avoid a feeling of bitterness(don't know if that is the right word) toward children for constituting the block. I think it should be somewhat of balance. My allgience of course is to my daughter, but I believe I can at least try to do both. It always annoyed me when I taught preschool that the mothers seemed so concentrated on their careers that they gave up their kids in a sense to adoption.. Adoption to a day care. 6:30-6:00 I mean I understand this if you are the sole supporter of your family. But these women were professionals. I want to avoid that. I want clara to have a FULL TIME mom. I like working though, I pretty much always have. I am a social person and need other interaction besides the dishes. So all this to say I think this line of study is good because I could work a 3-11 shift and homeschool clara during the day. or just be with her. I question the selfishness of my motivations all the time. Clara must come first. But allowing time for my own development is not wrong, I mean for crying out loud I am only 22. Not ready to be June Clever yet. But maybe it is possible to do both. Hmm I talk too much

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WOOOOHOOO!!!

01:32pm 03/05/2004

mood:

ecstatic

It is actually happening I AM GOING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! Maybe I am a nerd but I am so excited. The cool thing is I won't have to take CHEMISTRY!!!!!!I can test right in to my A&P class. I also have alot of my core courses finished well at least some will transfer anyway. I am trying to stay calm but it is very difficult.Education is something I took for granted and now I am so excited to be going back. I will have to try to not be so ADD for the next couple of months. Well better start studying!!!

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School days

02:48pm 30/04/2004

mood: busy

Well I think I am actually going to go back to school. I am pretty excited about this considering I thought I would never go back again. The course of study I have chosen is pretty interesting to me. I enjoyed music ed before but I don't think I want to do that forever. I feel as though I have been put in a box. I play the piano so people told me I should be a music major. The though thing is now is that I have to get through Chem. and Anatomy. The Chemistry is the only one I am REALLY worried about. I am not too adept at math. I can see this will be a trick to accomplish studying with Clara. She likes me paying attention to algebra just as much as I do. Thank goodness for naps. As to yesterday's entry about the bat well I am not AFRAID or DISGUSTED at the presence of a bat. Just rather shocked that I am almost 23 years old and have never seen one up close and therefore I meet him with some trepidation

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Batty absolutely batty
		12:45pm 28/04/2004
	THere is indeed a BAT right outside my door. little one but a BAT!!!!I have never seen one up close but IT IS A BAT!!! It makes me nervous. A BAT!!!!I sprayed him with water but he must have liked it because he stayed put. THen I proceeded to knock him down and he just glided to another spot. A BAT!!! I looked into going back to school for radiography. Just a two year program only four classes a semester and I think it is a good money maker. WHich would be good for clara's fund and my old school bills. Haven't talked to tim yet I don't know what he will say he hasn't really been enthused about the idea of me going back. Well back to the BAT!!!
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		11:17am 22/04/2004
	Well another long night with clara. They say that when babies start new things developmentally they have nightmares. I guess that is what her deal is. She wakes up screaming and crying frantically. Eyes still closed. It is pretty sad actually, someone that little doesn't understand what is going on. She also thinks bed time is hilarious, I go to put her in bed and she starts to giggle and laugh and smile. I think she knows who the boss is and it is not me :) I can't find my copy of East of Eden. Which makes me sad because I wanted to read it again this week. Maybe I will just read nine stories or Seymour instead. not the same though. By the time I find it Clara will wake up and that opportunity will be lost. Having lunch with Dad today, we are taking clara to the park. I am glad he takes time to see Clara.Well I better get a move on or I won't get anything done.
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Stupid subject line
		09:12am 21/04/2004
	Well on this beautiful day I must say I feel quite sleepy. Clara has it in for me. I think all day she decides to take these really great naps only to wake up at four and think it is time to start the day. It doesn't help either that Tim and I were up talking until 2:00. I mean it must be a good thing that I like to stay up with my husband and talk but it takes its toll. Some of the women from church are coming over today. I would really love to get active in some kind of ministry I am not sure which though,........... Maybe it would help with the day to day stuff. It is so weird being a grown up. I still feel like the kid in every group. Well anyway better get stuff done while the monster sleeps.
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well we will give it a try folks
		01:27am 20/04/2004
	Hmmm this is interesting lets see if this whole deal works or not. THis is an online journal but since I don't know anyone here it will be pretty private. lets try it out
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	giveusasong
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